Ephesians 6:10

So, I have started a new trend with myself. I call it emotionally cutting. I sit at home and proceed to make myself miserable and feel guilty by watching our videos, looking at our pictures, listening to stupid coldplay, and thinking back on when he would surprise me with my favorite candy and how good he was at making me laugh. It hurts. I am sure the reason I keep doing this is because I feel guilty. I couldn't show him God. He still doesn't acknowledge who made him. He never saw God shine through me. What could I have done? What did I do wrong? I want him to go to heaven even if he's not suppose to be with me. It hurts. He will never pray for me. He doesn't celebrate Christmas or Easter for the rightful reasons. All the little things I never realized matter truly do. I will never ever date the same. "Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of his might. " I think I need to stop blaming myself and continue to become CONSUMED in what truly matters.

1 Peter 3:15

Things are definitely looking up. I hate you have to find what you don't want to realize how happy you were with your before. I had a Silent Dinner tonight at South Park. It was soo much fun! A silent dinner is a dinner for deaf people. It was extremely tough at first I was feeling soooo shy!!! Like what if the got angry at me for not signing quick enough?!? But they were totally cool about everything and I met some really cool people. I have also acquired a new friend named Jenna, shes very sweet and I think we are going to a drag show on Thursday after class haha. Everything is just falling into place finally and its definitely making me feel a ton better about decision. "But in your heart be set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have, But do this with gentleness and respect." WOW can you say clarity. I feel like he wrote this for specifically me and my situation. I love that about the bible, How God wrote the book for everyone and there is a verse for everything you have ever, and will ever go through. I have decided I need to be single for a while. I am weighing my options and possibly altering my path and looking at where God wants me and its not the time for me to have another person that close in my life. The stress that comes with those kinds of relationships are the kind that can negatively sway decisions and thats the last thing I need right now. :) off to bed to work tomorrow then MC time and maybe, quite possibly a tattoo:) we shall see

Psalm 86:11

Vewy, Vewy exhausted:) Still having a tough time. I am frustrated with the whole situation but its out of my hands and I HAVE THE BEST BEST BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD!!! bff number one is home for a while and he is such a trooper:) how he puts up with me and my unhappy self is beyond me! Bff number two has been texting me and checking on me and sent me the most meaningful text I think I have ever received, Its a quote from a book she is reading called Forgotten God by Francis Chan " I cannot convince people to be obsessed with Jesus perhaps I can talk people into praying a prayer, but I cannot talk anyone into falling in love with Christ. I cannot make someone understand and accept the gifts of grace. Only the holy spirit can do that. So by every measure that actually counts, i need the holy spirit. Desperately" Its a wonderful quote and fits my situation perfectly but also the point that she made the time to type all that out and was thinking and praying for me in her devotion just gives me goosebumps. That is what I want most from my ex I mean sure I wanted him to have a relationship with God and understand what I am so passionate about, But I want someone to support me spiritually and I know they are praying for me just as hard as I am praying for them. To me that is the most important thing now. That's what I want out of all my relationships. Friends, Family and future (lets say five years) romantic relationships. I want to get as close to God as I can this year and learn as much as possible. My word for this year is CONSUMED and that's what I will be pursuing. "Teach me your way O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name"

Psalm 56:11, James 4:12,

So exhausted, etc etc. SO.. the relationship I was in ended, and I thought it was in a "we are now friends" way but apparently its not. He is atheist and he has a lovely note on his facebook taking all kinds of bible verses out of context. Like really? Get yo shit straight! You talking Crap about my God is going to hurt NO ONE BUT YOU! do you really think little comments you make effect my faith? NEGATIVE they only affirm it. When I see how weak your little argument is I see how much stronger God's will is and all it makes me want to do is praise him. "In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" At least my ex was courteous enough to even include a bible verse from my very favorite book, that's right Matthew. Too bad I don't need a rebuttal because God does all my talking for me. "There is only one lawgiver and judge the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?" I am all for freedom of religion, speech etc, etc I think if we don't have these choices to make then how are we to build character, honor or shame. I mean God did create Free-will for a reason. But when you choose to degrade another's religion WITH their "manual" thats disrespectful, wrong and shows how ignorant you truly are. I don't understand or support all religions but I believe they all have a place in society and everyone has a right to practice the religion they choose on earth. I have had four words on my mind all day after reading that post.

Our God is Faithful.

Simple yet portrays such an extensive concept and has never been proven untrue.

Psalm 61:2

Tough night. I am not going to discuss it now because I feel like the timing is off. So I am going to put the energy into my relationship with God. He's the only solid thing we all have. Everyone has those moments in your life where your friends cant be there your family doesn't always understand and no one seems to feel what you are going through. We just seriously have to remember God does. "From the end of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I." If we just continue to thank God for what we have and pray he will take us to bigger and better places, he will make it happen. I happened to be reading through blogs the other day and there was one post titled "Why aren't American Christians as committed to their religion as islamic terrorist are to theirs?" Scary, Scary thought I would hope that I am dedicated to my beliefs but as to blowing off someone else's son/daughter, husband/wife, mom/dad's head off. I hope I never ever have the opportunity thats absolutely insane. I believe God has the final say and Thou shall not kill prevents me from ever being called to kill someone. I think the reason religion is such an issue is because people don't look into what they are claiming. The have a bright idea, Such as the terrorist and then they try to make their belief associate with their religion and as it gets passed down the line it becomes a part of the religion. The Muslim religion is quite peaceful and about getting in touch with your inner peace, and getting along with your fellow brother. The terrorist who were apart of the 9/11 attacks claimed to be muslims. Now explain to me how murdering millions of people goes along with peace and tranquility I mean I know no one is perfect and I don't live the perfect christian lifestyle but I promise that God is in my heart and I strive to do my best for him. Mass murder goes with muslim as much as a vegetarian eats sea food. It just doesn't work. You either participate in violence or you don't. You either eat meat or you don't there is no on the fence with this one.

2 Corinthians 6:14

Why would I look for anything else when God makes me feel this way? Such bliss comes from just reading God's word can you imagine how its going to feel when we have the honor of being in his presence!! I get goose bumps. These are the reasons I get frustrated with people of the atheist and agnostic belief. There is a song I absolutely love by a group called tenth avenue north and there is a line is "Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough " thats exactly what they are doing. Rather you acknowledge it or not God has and will make himself present in your life... its just up to you to choose to believe in him or not. I mean not even God can make you believe in him, he can try his hardest to get into your heart but since we have free will I believe that it s a choice ( i think its the most important choice) you have to make. "Do not be yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

If Christ is not the center of your life then who is?

notreligion.com

just found my new favorite website

notreligion.com

absolutely every question I have ever been asked the answer is posted!

CHECK IT OUT :)

i will blog further when i have more time

Psalm 89:14

Why do we run from God?

Seriously you don't want to sit down and look that fact in the face but we do. We run. What are we so afraid of ? All the sins we commit; all the avoiding that subject, the drugs & drinking, the cheating. Its all just blocks you build to avoid that one thing that has always and will always be there. God. He loves you even if you cheat on your wife, or have an abortion, or don't go to church. He still LOVES YOU you aren't perfect, he knows that because he created you but he still loves you, he thought you were to die for! I mean really is there enough self love out there to think you are worth someone's only child to die on the cross for? Its hard to grasp it but I think thats the realization of unconditional love. The reasons we humans can't give it to each other is because if there is more than one source we get too much of it we will take advantage, get use to it and not live to any expectations. "Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you." Not only does he give unconditional love unconditionally to everyone, he is righteous and faithful. How do people go there entire lives without recognizing this unconditional love?

1 John 4:18

I can see clearly now the rain is gone:) haha all the praying last night has definitely helped. I went into work for four hours and that was a lot of time to help clear my head too. I just keep remembering, "God may not put the people you want in your life but he will definitely put the people you need". Pretty short day for the most part haha I woke up at 3:30 and now I am going to bed at 12:30 :P
I have become curious as to the meaning of two words.

unconditional love

What is it and who can give it? What kind of relationships is it in? Do we only receive unconditional love? I mean we are humans and it doesn't seem like unconditional is in our word bank. For some reason I was under the impression marriage is where it would take place, you know for sicker or poorer but I know one married couple who have three children, and have been married for 16 years yet they have a pact that if one of them starts to get fat they will divorce the other. Thats not for sicker or poorer. Its not that I am criticizing them I mean we are all human we can't forgive everything, my mom has always said there are two situations she would leave my dad, cheating or abuse. I think my thing would either be unsupportive or control issues. Those seem to be what hurt all my relationships and my breaking point. I don't think as humans we are able to give unconditional love. There is no love coming from a human that does not have conditions. The only love we truly have that is unconditional is God's love for us. He doesn't care who you are or what you are doing he loves you. Even those who hate him. Even those that call themselves women and men of God and are giving him a bad name he loves you. Now I am not saying he agrees with you or is proud of you and he is probably disappointed in you. But none the less he still loves you. "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." So we know that there is no fear in perfect love, such as worrying if they are going to leave you, etc, etc but how does perfect compare to unconditional? I am thinking they are more than likely the same. Well its funny how this all came into my thoughts right around that time of the year :) Valentines day!!

Roman 1:19, Matthew 18:21-35

Well finally finding time to breathe. I have so much going on as always, thank goodness. I have a heavy heart right now. I have everything I could every want. A wonderful family, great friends, school is going well, work is busy, but I don't know where I want my path called life to go. I am trying to be extra prayerful about it. My friend I mentioned early, that was now proclaimed agnostic has now gone back to atheist. They had several rough encounters with some "Crazy Christians" This is what I call those crazy people out there passing out bibles, shoving religion down your throat and discussing fire and brimstone. I would like to state for the record I am in no way associated with these basket cases and I think the way they approach evangelism is the top reasons of atheism and hate of Christians. I mean the majority of these people don't know enough about God to be asking (or scaring) others to believe in him as well because if they did they would realize what a passive and loving God he is. He doesn't want anyone to burn but he also doesn't want anyone to scare you into believing in him. I also have been in the scenario with these "people" when I was like four years old I was scared into getting dunked under water because "I didn't want to live in fire" My poor mother was called and notified that I had "gotten saved" at my friend Grace's bible school. We later had a discussion and she explained how it worked and what they meant because I had no idea.

Can a christian love an atheist?

How does this relationship work? How can I be with someone who doesn't acknowledge the God that created me and I love to worship and learn about him. Is this just a phase in their life? Should I respect and move on with my feelings for them? I don't know what to do and I feel like its a big decision in my life and no matter what my decision is its going to be a large factor in my life at this point. I just wish this person could see how badly it hurts my heart to not be able to share my relationship with God with them. Before I felt as though I could love them enough and eventually they would hopefully see God's glory shine through. But I am discouraged and hurt and all I can do is cling to God and pray. I worry, what if something happened to this person that I love so much? I feel like this is my fault. I mean I should respect their views and let them be but I just feel like I am hiding something by doing this, like putting up a wall between us and a relationship can only go so far. For some reason another Bethany Dillon song keeps popping up one line in her song says "I'm so close to being far away from you". I don't feel like this relationship is pulling me away from God but I feel as though I am not getting closer to this friend."since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. "

I don't understand how people don't believe in God. Without him I have no doubt in my mind I would be cracked out on drugs somewhere because I was lonely and hurt from everything in my life.
I feel like what everyone in the world needs is love. I know that's such a corny thing to say around valentines day and all but its true. I am honestly trying to learn to love like God. That should be every ones goal. If we could all love like him it would lead to forgiveness. I struggle with forgiveness more than anything. Forgiving backstabbing, things taken to far, forgetting my birthday, even the simplest of things can hurt me more than you could imagine. Then I just can't forget it. When I love I love so solidly, investing every emotion I know to invest and then when I get hurt its like getting hit by a bus. I like to think that everyone I love is perfect but when I get those painful reminders its hard to get back up. From now on I am going to read The parable of the unmerciful servant in the book of Matthew. Its about Peter asking Jesus how many times must he forgive his brother when he sins against him? How about seven times and Jesus said "I tell you not seven times, but seventy seven times" at the end of a story of Karma it states if you don't forgive your brother from your heart, your heavenly father will not forgive you.

Psalm 34:2

Wow long LONG time since last blog. SO busy. WAY too busy. I have a lot of sensitive things going on in my life. First off my mother has started to realize I am an adult. This definitely is a tough thing for both of us. I want her to give me space and to respect my decisions even if she doesn't agree and I understand that when I make my own decisions there are often consequences that I must receive because thats part of being an adult but at the same time I want her to stay within arms reach because she is my mom. I know she still sees me as the little girl with the blonde pony tail that always had a hairbow so I know its hard for her but I think in the long run its been a good thing. It was beginning to feel like I didn't have a mother, just a boss. Another thing going on is someone extremely close to me is struggling with religion. When I first met this person they were an atheist then with time they now claim to be agnostic. Definitely a step up in my book. They have been asking me questions, really good and tough questions in a respectful way just trying to understand why I believe the way I do.

"My soul will boast in the lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice".

Quite honestly I love being asked questions like that. Even if I don't have the answer my bond with God grows. I pray about it and look forward to the day that I can ask him for the answer. I think its odd when christians freak out when people question their faith. It should be something that is strong enough that you just know. I just feel it. Thats the only way I can put it. Faith is a feel that is followed by knowledge. You first Fall in love with God and that is followed by a leap of faith that he will follow through with his promises, then it is followed by a hunger to learn more about him and that leads to knowledge. If you gone through this I don't really see where the scared comes from? He has shown me he loves me, I trust him, and thats it. Ask away. Just keep in mind there is a difference between question and interrogation. A question has respect and willingness to hear my answer whereas interrogation is just drilling me with what you think you know .