Proverb 8:17

Finally home. I had this brilliant post all thought out in my head in the car and now that I am home I am beyond exhausted and I know its not going to sound as good as the original idea ( just wanted to warn you) So I got the new Flyleaf cd and I was quite disappointed, until I got to this one song that made the entire album worth it. Its called Treasure. "Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure I'll be treasured over all the earth " Those are some of the lyrics. Your a treasure. Someone would give their one and only son for your sins. WOW for a long time I didn't truly comprehend that. You hear it so often in church because It is a HUGE Deal but I had almost started tuning it out. Then one day I was reading and it clicked. Thats so much love its so hard to comprehend. Treasured over all the earth. Everything, money, clothes, houses, cars, sports teams, So.. out of everything He created WE ARE HIS FAVORITE. Such a cool concept. So the next time you want to self destruct rather its over eating, under eating, physically cutting, emotionally cutting, remember you are his treasure who is treasured over all the earth. Imagine someone hurting something you love so much you gave your only son for. SO much pain I can't even begin to imagine. " I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me " I don't understand how people who don't believe in God go on through life. Some days are just so hard without his undying love I think I would just die.

Luke 10:10

LAWD. I am exhausted. I seriously have not had the energy to post. SO so SO much going on in my life. Today I had an AWESOME lunch with some great, sweet WOG that I ate lunch with in high school my senior year. I am so extremely blessed to have crossed paths with these fabulous girls. I love how God doesn't necessarily put the people in your want in your life, he puts the people you need in your life. He takes care of your needs no matter if you ask or not. Its the wants that you must ask for. "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened". Such a simple concept. Such a heavenly, perfect concept. I mean really if I ask the government to please not charge me taxes because I would rather donate that money to St. Jude's hospitial they would more than likely laugh in my face. But If I tell God that I want to help St. Jude's hospital he will more than likely present a way for me to help them, rather with my time and efforts, or money.

1 John 4:8

No matter whatever happens, whatever sin you commit, what glory you earn, the keeper of history, The Lord of Lords, Creator of EVERYTHING loves you, forgives you wants you... FOREVER. If everyone could wrap their minds around this there would be no such thing as atheist or agnostic or any other organized religious group that doesn't believe in our God. I just bought Christy Nockels new cd and there is a line in this song called Choose it says "For You have long pursued my wandering heart " Its so true. No matter what you do to push God away, ignore him, felt far away from him denied him, put him off HE STILL WANTS YOU. There is nothing else I have ever found that still wants you even if you deny it or ignore it repetitively. He loves you even if you don't believe in him. He forgives, he accepts. I feel like as christians we should REFLECT that and try to be human temples of God and REFLECT his behavior like a child is a sponge of everything around them you should be this of God. You are a part of a greater plan, his plan and he is the leader therefore you should REFLECT his master plan. We are running into Marvelous light HIS marvelous light, not yours. Therefore Judgement should not be our job. I heard it somewhere before and I can't exactly remember where "When you are judging someone you don't have time to love them". Love is exactly what God is. "Whoever does not love does not know God because, God is Love" One of the most simple, and under used bible verses of all man kind.

Psalm 107:8, Psalm 108:4, Psalm 73:26

POST TIME!!! yay!!! :) then bed time... EVEN BIGGER yay!!! haha I am exhausted! Long, Long day. I have recently started to realize something. There is no possible way to ever truly appreciate God. I mean really think about it, we can't even BEGIN to comprehend how much he has done for us. He for one created us.. WOW i don't think I could create a person much less ALL OF HUMANITY!! seriously? only one way this could happen,

ONE BIG BRAIN + ONE BIG HEART = GOD

Thats it, I cant think of anyone who has a quarter of the amazingness that God has. NO ONE!

Therefore, I am SICK of people acting snobby. Seriously be nice to everyone, they will be nice back and the world goes round and round. "Let them give thanks to the Lord, for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men." websters defintion :Unfailing - without error or fault SO.. his love is PERFECT. name something humans produce that is perfect? NOTHING! I have never discovered perfect love from one human to another, there is always going to be something that ruins its purity, selfishness, jealousy, lust. Another verse I found was "For great is your love, higher than the heavens." Higher than the heavens, thats not even possible for humans, we can only hold so much love. How Great is Our God? "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever". Forever.... wow thats not even possible to comprehend.

Numbers 14:18, Proverbs 19:1, Romans 12:14, 2 Timothy 3:4,9

I wish I was smart enough to go to medical school. I would really love to fix people. Emotionally that is. Tonight one of my ex's, not going to mention a name I am going to use the name Red. He was absolutely horrible to me, used me manipulated me and all I got out of my relationship with him was hurt. The majority of my friends hate him and would love to do horrible things to him. But honestly this is going to sound cocky but I feel for him. He doesn't realize how much one person (that person being me) cared about him and he has lost that person and if he died tomorrow he would die lonely. He asked me what went wrong and I straight up told him and gave him some truthful advice. Now rather he takes it or not is another story. I felt really great about this situation when I realized I never felt one bit of attachment to him. Its so funny how you get over people you never thought you would. "The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." I began thinking about my relationship with Red and it really makes me thankful that he treated me like shit...... It makes me appreciate Metro even more. It helps me to acknowledge how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful man who knows or somewhat knows how great I am. I am looking back at all my relationships and I truly feel like they have all helped me, if it was to appreciate myself or to appreciate what I have it all led me to this rode, where I am the happiest I have ever been. The only relationship I cannot figure out what I learned is the one with, well lets call him Black beard. He was great for a bit but turns out he cheated on me, with my best friend. Like he would literally leave me to sleep with my best friend then come back when he was done, all while I was oblivious. How did I benefit from this? Not to trust? To stay scared to get attached because anyone, literally anyone could take advantage of you that way. Its not one of those hurts you get over its like a worry thats added to your load. " Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a fool whose lips are perverse." I learned not to settle with, Lets call him Clinton. I dated him for two years and I was happy literally half a year out of those two. I felt lucky to date him and catered to him, worried about his happiness all the while I drifted into a depressed state because his ass hole of a self didn't give a damn about my feelings. The only person who knew how manipulative he was, was my mom. She knew not to pressure me into leaving him. She knew that when I commit to something I commit full heart and that I needed to realize myself or I would never learn. Sure I feel like I wasted two years of high school that I could have had a better time and learned more and been more involved like I loved to be but instead I was on the sidelines of his ball games or nursing him from surgery, but I also learned that if you don't take care of yourself then why should someone else? "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse." I learned from, lets call him coach that not all men are who they say they are, he made himself out to be a huge christian with big dreams who turned out to be a creep wanting sex. "Treacherous, rash conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone." I feel like I have made it pretty far and I am happy I have learned as much as I have in such a quick amount of time. These are only the major relationships I have had, therefore I learned the most from them.

Hebrews 13:8

Think about if every single person in the world, ALL of them had this mind set "What can I do to make the world a better place". Even though we are not all do-ers there are many thinkers out there, the world would still have a lot more positive thoughts and some positive actions. I think the hardest thing is getting the positive ideas out there. With a world with so many competitive, negative, judgemental vibes and attitudes out there it is hard for the positive ones to flourish when the ratio is 1:3. I am some what ill. I feel like the positive people in my life aren't the people who matter the most. The people who mean the most to me are the ones who are bringing me down. I am sick of it. I am always the good friend standing in the rain for you! whens my turn?!?! I feel un-missed and I am fed up! yet when they come back to town I will be the one who is sketch and doesn't visit, not doing anything with her life and still in this sucky ass town. I AM FED up!!! Just because I didn't dash off the first chance I got because I have dreams that ask more of me than a high school graduate doesn't mean I am not doing anything. I don't ever want to be the one who has to have her parents pay her bills or buy her kids christmas. I want to learn all of these things the right way the FIRST time. When I have needed my girls, when I hit rock bottom they were no where near me and when they were there were more important things on their agenda such as getting trashed. I am sorry buy I am happy with who I am and actually like the people I surround myself and don't feel the need to black out. There is so much more you can accomplish with your time when you aren't obsessed with boys, drama, partying, pleasing other people. I mean I stopped worrying about these things and the most perfect boyfriend ever just waltzed into my life. I have gotten so much more done at work and I like myself. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say that and mean it, I like myself. I think I am trying the best I can at everything I am doing right now and I like where I am as a person. I am living to my own standards not everyone else's and I can be by myself and I am completely ok with it. It is funny and I realize I am the one changing. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever". I love it.

Psalm 46:5

VULNERABLE ..... that is probably hands down my biggest fear. I hate the feeling more than any other feeling in the world. I honestly think I would rather be in physical pain than feel vulnerable. Its why many of my relationships don't survive much less thrive, Its why my mother gets angry at me sometimes. She confuses it with lack of compassion when truly I totally have the compassion I just don't display it because my fear of being vulnerable. I am not quite sure where the root of this fear started. The last time I remember publicly crying was when I lost my grandmother when I was seven which was eleven years ago. When I cry is when I feel most vulnerable. I was in a serious relationship with a guy for two years and he literally saw me cry twice. Once when I was scared because our relationship was going to fast and he told me how he felt about me. The second time when I thought my parents marriage was going down the drain. My lifelong friend Grace, friends since I was three, has seen me cry three times, Once over a movie, twice over our siblings health (my sisters asthma and her brothers heart surgery). My best friend Anna, friends since before I could remember, has seen me cry once, when we were nine because I was moving away ( haha twenty minutes we were Drama queens) I occasionally cry when my mom and I get into an argument but she is the only one who sees. I just can't let my guard down. I don't like it it scares me and I avoid it at all cost. I think this is going to be my new years revolution. "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." I feel like if I felt ok with being vulnerable every once in a while then the people I surround myself with and care about would understand me a bit more. So we will see where it goes......

Psalm 56:4

Well lets play catch up. I have almost finished shopping for friend presents, now just family and boyfriend presents. Yes I said boyfriend. The commit-phob is in a relationship. Haha miracles do happen:) or just wonderful people happen to be in your life. I am not sure how to handle it. I seriously am scared beyond anyones comprehension. I don't wanna fall hardest. "The person who cares the most has the least amount of control". This always scares me. I fall harder hand over control and end up hurt EVERY SINGLE TIME! This time I have been really slow about letting my guard down and metro is absolutely A-OK with it. He is probably one of the most respectful people I have ever, EVER met!!!! There is no rush for anything and nothing is expected of me. "In God, whose words I praise, In God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" He understands more than a lot of people and what he doesn't he tries really hard. He is so sensitive and classy. I have no fear of how he will act around anyone and he is definitely one of the smartest people I know. Therefore I am falling but extremely, EXTREMELY slowly :D On a sad note our sweet kitty Mango got ran over and killed by a car yesterday:( We are all having an extremely hard time with this. I think Mom is having the hardest time. Last night we went to Gaffney and when we came home Mango use to greet us and follow us to the door for us to put her in the garage to bed and feed her and play with her and for the first time in three years she wasn't there. Mom cried the entire way to the door. It was pitiful. Things will get better. Christmas is coming and it should lift all of our spirits.