Psalm 39:7

Finally back to post. TOO much going on. I didn't realize how much I was taking on when I decided to take a night class every night mon-thur. and work 4-6 hours a day tue-sat and have a family and wonderful boyfriend and have friends every which and way that I miss and want to visit and then in march two online classes start. OH joy and to throw into the mix I am hating my job. I have never hated my job before. I use to love my store that I helped to start and I managed but honestly now its the reason I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I am just so tired and I feel like its aging me. I keep forgetting how old I am. Most people my age are out meeting new people and having a good time and learning tons in college, while I am stressing about how to make more money, new promotions, employees etc etc. I don't go out anymore and I never want my boyfriend to take me on dates anymore all I ever want is to watch movies and order in. What I do when I get fed up now is spend money and to be quite honest I don't need anymore stuff. I don't like who I am becoming. I need a fresh start and Its only Jan. I really truly and sincerely want to move out of the state and find a fresh start. Only thing holding me back is finances and my sister. I don't have the money to just go out and get a place, and my sister is starting middle school next year and I need to be there for her. If I had a big sister when I was in middle school It would have made it a lot easier to handle. There is a different kind of bond between sisters than there is between a mom and a daughter. and I just know she cant tell mom the kind of things she can tell me. So basically I am stuck. I know my mother thinks I am a spoiled brat so I can't ask for her help and I know she is trying so hard to get the hang of running a business but I feel like somewhere in the mix she forgets she is my mom at home. I am just so depressed and down and I really need a break. I don't understand what God is teaching me. I feel like the people I am surrounded by that are my age are just idiots. None of them are accomplishing anything and they expect everything to be handed to them and I am fed up with it. I just need to realize that if I move there is more than likely going to be people like them everywhere."But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you" It will get better, honestly I probably just need an attitude adjustment. I have so much going for me that I don't even realize. I have great parents, my sister has the sweetest soul out of anyone else I have ever met, I have the greatest friends that I know are only a phone call away, and I am in a relationship with the most selfless, compassionate man I have ever had the honor to much less meet and I am dating him :) Luckily the weekend after next is my weekend in Charleston and John Mayer and that should be absolutely AMAZING:) i am so ready!! I love Charleston and FOUR entire days away will be exactly what I need.

Isiah 35:4

wow I need STRENGTH its only wednesday? I have had the worst past two days. Yesterday things just kept going wrong then to make it all worse I went to the wrong class yesterday. It was supposed to be Sign Lang 111. It turns out I went to 112. No one would speak to me. Only signing so it was definitely tough. Today just stupid things went wrong all DAY LONG. nothing drastic just aggravation. I just feel so dis-heartened. Its hard to accept things you don't want to happen and to make all things worse I keep having these dreams that are sooo sooo horrible and realistic. I am walking from my math class to my car at school and then I get raped by this big man. Its soo soo scary!! I don't know exactly what its all about but its terrible and its making me not want to go to sleep. Which is what I need. SO the vicious cycle continues haha "say to those with fearful hearts, be strong do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." I don't really understand why I keep having this dream. I mean I am not one of those girls whose first thought of the worst thing that could happen to me is rape. Honestly my fear is being stabbed, the thought of seeing myself bleed and suffer really scares me to an extreme. I also feel very safe in charlotte. The majority of the time I walk to my car with other classmates with my pepper spray in hand. Its all lit and there is always people around. I just hope this dream stops. I am exhausted.

Isiah 40:29

Wow this is harder than expected. My best friend leaves for school tomorrow. My boyfriend is gone to school and we aren't really smooth sailing and I am stuck in idiot central. The closest I am to anyone is my boyfriend. But I don't want to turn into one of those girls who spend all her time with her boyfriend. I LOVE my friends and they were here first. Therefore they come before the boyfriend and he understands that. Just like my family comes before my friends because they were here before I even knew who they were they took care of me. Its all about priorities. Once you get them straight its smooth sailing. I already feel so empty and lonely. I have never lived so far from my bff. Who am I going to ramble about stupid stuff to? What am I supposed to do go to the gym with? Whose gonna go to mexican restaurants with me and act like idiots. It has never been so hard to be happy for someone else in my entire life! I just want to cry and eat ice cream in bed all day everyday. He is going where he really wants to go to school and making something of himself and I know its where he is supposed to be and I should be happy for him its just so darn hard. "He gives power to the weak. He increases the strength of him who has no might." I really need to find the strength to make it through this semester. If I start off on the wrong foot I know I wont make good grades.

Proverb 30:25-26

Well I am finally back haha. I am trying to spend less time on my computer, because when I do spend time on my computer it looks like I have accomplished next to nothing, oh wait thats right I didn't haha. So glad to be back in town. Catching up with my bff and metro the past two days has been wonderful. I am so blessed to have such positive people to surround myself with. Its the last week of freedom until the dreaded return of school, bum bum bum. Luckily I haven't taken on more than I can chew for once and might actually be able to relax and enjoy being a student but we will see. I went to lunch with Metro's mom to say and to say the least she wasn't anything like I expected but it was definitely a WONDERFUL thing. I recently watched the movie Monster in Law and for some reason or another I got it into my head that since Metro is perfect, the thing that was wrong with him must obviously be his mother. TEHE she is PRECIOUS! She kind of inspired me. She is deaf. Literally, yet she overcomes it on a day to day basis. She still lives and though she is self conscious at time she still surrounds herself with people and seems to be thriving. She is absolutely beautiful and has this glow, a glow that just screams, Intelligent respectable woman. I hope when people meet me they get a positive vibe from me as I got from her. "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. " I think that women are often associated with feeble servants when you think of Gods reference such as, all the bible verses about women submitting to their husbands and being his crown, making him proud that always seem to be stressed in the baptist church but I feel like they don't talk about all the verses about how much strength and wisdom God wants women to have and the positive influence on their families, many of the women of the bible reflect this. The funny thing is the majority of these ministers stressing submission are male.

Romans 8:28

WEll... I am exhausted. from vacation, that sounds so so stupid haha Hopefully coming home tomorrow THANK GOODNESS! i have missed my amazing boyfriend and friends. I just want to be home where my stuff is and i have MY space and its MY HOME. Never realized how comfortable I am at home. I use to beg to leave town but idk this time I just didn't want to budge. Just so much going on and my friends are only home for a short while but Mom wanted to show us her home town and meet our great aunt and 2nd cousin and her children and husband. It has been wonderful. They are the greatest people. I bought the Bethany Dillon cd. Its exactly what I needed, she has recently gotten married and is discovering how it all works. Its hard to find a balance for a new relationship that means a lot to you and everything else going on in your life. I think what is the hardest is not to get consumed in anything but God, but invest feelings and time into everything else. "I’ve thrown punches in the air Chased after love that wasn’t there I know only you satisfy." The only thing in your life that will fully give back every single time is your relationship with God. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." When you invest time in him it will always benefit you in one way or another. I have decided to dedicate more time to God is what I want out of this Fresh new year. I know this new year is what everyone needed. There is a song that I want my attitude to resemble its called "Everyone to know" its off Bethany Dillons new cd I am going to to post the lyrics at the bottom of this post . The funniest thing about it is I met Bethany Dillon about two years ago and she wrote the song Beautiful that I adore and have learned so much from.

Here we go

Let in the light from my window

Say goodbye to my sorrow

And hello, new day

My soul needed a rescue

A Hero, it had to be You

I know You’ve changed everything

.. ..

So I want everyone to know....

Everyone to know....

I want to tell the world about Your love....

.. ..

I’ve thrown years away

And every chance to change

It took so much to see my pride

I’ve thrown punches in the air

Chased after love that wasn’t there

I know only You satisfy

.. ..

To all the broken hearted....

The crippled and the weak....

We are all invited to taste and see....

To all of those who are searching....

Come find what you seek....

It is the truth that we all need