Guess what .... I can't sleep, what a shocker. I am such a night owl I should seriously get another job and get it at night its not like i do anything really important at night, watch movies, burn cd's txt, sometimes clean out my closet occasional art. I finished my school for the week by 10:00 and now I am just sitting here sooo awake! Its horrible. But it did lead to some thinking
:-) of course
What do I really want...... earlier in the month when i was with this guy, lets call him fire joe I thought that I wanted a relationship and he said he did too but then his actions would argue with what was coming out of his mouth and I convinced myself that I could change his actions eventually and make he more mature and a better guy... NOT FREAKING POSSIBLE
by sacrificing that time I could be using to grow as a person and meeting better guys I would be wasting my time with a jerk who is WRONG for me and NEVER going to change and is RIGHT for someone else. This is such a hard concept. I have come to terms that I don't need someone else to be happy and there is a reason I am single right now...... God obviously sees fit that I don't have any distractions and develop more as a person. Anyways the majority of the guys I meet that are my age are either really wonderful guys and I want them permanetly in my life or they are complete TRASH. Why waste my time? "Do not be mislead: Bad company corrupts good character" This is such a clarification.
My mom and I finally made up tonight. She doesn't realize how upset she made me about "the ecu weekend" pictures. She jumped straight to conclusions and did not trust me. The way I view things is why should I trust you if you don't trust me? I have never given her a reason not to trust me and I have told her so much! She has really put a strain on our relationship. I don't know if she realizes it but I honestly don't feel like telling her anything anymore. Trust is a big thing to me and I haven't done anything for her to jeopardize it.
The majority of my friends are going back to college tomorrow and I am doing coffee with abby tomorrow before work. This should be a good thing. Though I will miss them its less distractions. The main thing I hope to learn from this whole situation is That I don't have to be social all the time every night. It is ok for me to sit at home and do absolutely nothing or watch movies and eat cookie dough. I haven't really ever done that and I kind of enjoy it but as of right now I feel guilty every time I do it. Its like I am not where I am suppose to be? Its so weird. But hopefully I will get adjusted. My mom and I had a really good talk today about it and I think I am going to try to go to graduate school. It turns out I am actually pretty good at school. You would never tell by high school but then my social calendar was SO much more important than my grades. Now I just genuinely want to learn, which I know is seriously nerdy but I really like it. I am pretty content except when my friends come home and tell me I need to get out of this town. I don't think they realize when I leave I WON'T be relying on my parents and I WON'T be coming back. I think even before they left I had grown up a little bit more than them because my parents aren't like your average parents I take care of myself for the most part and actually pay for my own shit. The majority of them still don't have to pay for their own stuff but now they have to fend for themselves and its a entirely different world. We will see where it goes.
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