Psalm 46:5

VULNERABLE ..... that is probably hands down my biggest fear. I hate the feeling more than any other feeling in the world. I honestly think I would rather be in physical pain than feel vulnerable. Its why many of my relationships don't survive much less thrive, Its why my mother gets angry at me sometimes. She confuses it with lack of compassion when truly I totally have the compassion I just don't display it because my fear of being vulnerable. I am not quite sure where the root of this fear started. The last time I remember publicly crying was when I lost my grandmother when I was seven which was eleven years ago. When I cry is when I feel most vulnerable. I was in a serious relationship with a guy for two years and he literally saw me cry twice. Once when I was scared because our relationship was going to fast and he told me how he felt about me. The second time when I thought my parents marriage was going down the drain. My lifelong friend Grace, friends since I was three, has seen me cry three times, Once over a movie, twice over our siblings health (my sisters asthma and her brothers heart surgery). My best friend Anna, friends since before I could remember, has seen me cry once, when we were nine because I was moving away ( haha twenty minutes we were Drama queens) I occasionally cry when my mom and I get into an argument but she is the only one who sees. I just can't let my guard down. I don't like it it scares me and I avoid it at all cost. I think this is going to be my new years revolution. "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." I feel like if I felt ok with being vulnerable every once in a while then the people I surround myself with and care about would understand me a bit more. So we will see where it goes......