Jonah 1-4

So still very prayerful. I started thinking today (on my 2 and a half hours in the car to and from school blah) how far I have come from last year around this time. This time last year I felt so used and wasted up and wanted a quick fix so i dated around. I had lost my first real love and it ended badly, of course I internally blamed myself and just started dating all these jerks. It would last a week and I would toss them out. I knew they could not fill the hole that Parker had left. So i got a bit wild and young, experienced high school in ways I had never experienced it and it was all fun and games. Then I made friends with a great group of girls and they were supportive, sweet and accepting and we all were like glue all summer. Then they all went back to school and I realized maybe it wasn't a Parker sized hole it was a not realizing what I truly wanted and deserved sized hole. During the summer, with my girls and our silly nights, beach trips and break ups I had wayy wayy more fun than I ever did with Parker. I started caring about myself and what I needed and how I felt, this never happens when I am in a relationship for some reason. I am a terrible half of We. I am a great girlfriend but I am terrible to myself. I change what I want for someone else and thats completely stupid. Definitely not what I am about. Then I met a couple of guys and then I met David and at first it was different with him, I was a good half of a we. I still got what I needed to done and did what I wanted but then as it progressed I had a relationship relapse and became a we and no longer a me. When I commit to things I commit full heartedly and this is a downfall in this situation. Therefore I am officially boy fasting. I need to discover who I am more as a person before I involve someone else in it. Right now I am studying about a line in one of my favorite songs, it says "Look inside my heart, and be amazed " What could amaze God? I mean he created everything, flowers, seasons, new babies, what could be so amazing about my heart to him? How can I ever measure up to making God feel Amazed ?

I read the book of Jonah tonight. I had never realized how severely human Jonah is. He ran from God was placed in the belly of a whale, rescued and used to bring a message to the great city of Ninevah, where there are a hundred and twenty thousand people who obeyed God's command through Jonah, yet Jonah is angry at God. How does that happen? He didn't want to be used? Thats like people who run from their ministry call in life and later reclaim it. I truly don't want to be a Jonah I want to chose Gods will first.